A Student's Worst Nightmare
by Sniffles 55
Summary: Ever get conned into reading those wierd slash fics? Well we got tired of it. So, we did something about it, we wrote our own. Kind of a Moulin Rouge thing, just a parody. Complete
1. Rawr

Disclaimer; We do not own Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, or any hamsters at all. Sadly. The song thing is from Moulin Rouge, and though it pains me to say it, we don't own that, either.  
  
"So," ended Dumbledore, "You can all see why we need to organize as quickly as possible against Voldemort. The lives of hundreds of hamsters are at stake."  
  
A few witches shook their heads in disbelief. Voldemort had gone too far, proposing the sale of hamsters as a spam substitute. Was nothing sacred?!  
  
The meeting adjourned and one Severus Snape walked from the emptying dungeon up to a silent tower balcony.  
  
'This is very serious' he thought as he looked out over the grounds, 'I have always loved hamsters, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy.'  
  
"You look pensive" said a deep, slightly scratchy voice from behind.  
  
Snape whirled around and found himself staring up into the dark eyes of none other than Sirius Black. Snape frowned, what did this impertinent fool want now?  
  
"Away with you, Black, you are not welcome in any space I am occupying!" Snape snarled, sizing Sirius up.  
  
"You know, you're not dealing with all this very well, Sevie." Sirius said, concern on his face.  
  
Snape, aghast, took a step back. "What did you just call me?!?!"  
  
Sirius ignored this. "Hate isn't the way," he said simply, taking a step forward.  
  
Snape considered jumping over the railing. However, upon reflection, he decided that really wasn't a good idea. Instead, he asked, "Well, then, what is the correct way?"  
  
Sirius paused. "Why, love, of course," he answered, a gleam in his eye.  
  
"Love?" asked a horrified Snape, "What are you speaking of? Snap out of it, man!"  
  
"Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!!" Sirius bellowed, flailing his arms around wildly. Above them, a few dorm lights came on.  
  
"Shut up, what's wrong with you?" Snape demanded, now rethinking the whole jumping idea.  
  
"All you need is love!" Sirius sang, swaying slightly to his own melody.  
  
Snape drew his wand quickly. "Stop, I command you to stop!" he said, wondering what had been slipped into this man's pumpkin juice.  
  
"All you need is love!" Sirius repeated, now dancing full out in circles around Snape, giving him a come hither glance.  
  
"You...are disturbed. Stop now, and I'll try to forget all this," Snape pleaded.  
  
"ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!" Sirius sang louder than ever, as a few students appeared in their balconies, looking down at the two men's tête-à- tête.  
  
"Love is just a game!" Snape snapped, knowing he'd regret this in the morning.  
  
"I was made for loving you, baby," Sirius sang to a different tune. Snape was finally coming around. "You were made for loving me!"  
  
"The only way of loving me is turn into a friggin' hamster!" Snape reasoned, not believing he had just revealed his greatest secret.  
  
"In the name of love," sang Sirius, dropping to one knee in front of Snape, grappling for his hand, "One night in the name of love!"  
  
There were now many more students on the balconies, and they all seemed to be pointing and laughing.  
  
"You crazy fool!" Snape shouted, "I won't give into you!" He really didn't like the look in Sirius' eye as he had sang that, so he headed for the door.  
  
Sirius stood, singing in a plaintive, haunting voice, "Don't leave me this way. I can't survive, without your sweet love. Oh baby, please, don't leave me this way,"  
  
Snape suddenly stopped. He couldn't help it. Sirius' voice compelled him to, in that very instant, turn from every shred of heterosexuality he had ever possessed, forget entirely about his natural disposition and system of beliefs, and fall a little bit in love. Not that he particularly wanted to admit it. But still. "You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs," he said, slowly approaching Sirius.  
  
"I look around me and I see that isn't so," Sirius replied, motioning to the laughing students who were watching, "Oh no!"  
  
"Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs," Snape said, slightly annoyed. He hated love songs. And he wished Sirius was a hamster.  
  
"Well, what's wrong with that, I'd like to know?" Sirius asked, leaning in for what he expected to be a passionate kiss. Snape, however, forgetting he was gay, stepped back in horror once again. When he remembered this, it was too late, as Sirius had turned away. Darn, he thought.  
  
"Well, here I go, oh yes!!!" Sirius began, climbing onto the railing, "Love lifts us up where we belong! Where eagles fly, on a mountain high!"  
  
Snape gave him a violent tug downward, and he fell back onto the balcony. "Love makes us act like we are fools!" Snape said angrily, "Throw our lives away, for one happy day!"  
  
"We could be heroes!" Sirius pleaded, sitting up, "Just for one day,"  
  
Snape considered this for a few seconds. "You, you would be mean." he announced.  
  
"No I won't," Sirius laughed.  
  
"And I...I'll drink all the time!"  
  
"We should be lovers!" Sirius jumped up, grasping Snape's hand.  
  
Snape, still quite aware of the now horror struck students, including Harry Potter, who was on the verge of fainting, shook his head. "We can't do that," he said quietly.  
  
"We should be lovers, and that's a fact!"  
  
Snape found himself becoming weaker every moment. Sirius did have a lovely voice, and very nice hands... "Though nothing," he said, in a slightly defeated voice, "could keep us together,"  
  
"We could steal time, just for one day," Sirius reasoned, although in the back of his mind he couldn't help but think that was very bad logic.  
  
"We could be heroes!" Snape suggested, enjoying the mental image of Sirius in black tights and a cape. "Forever and ever!" He added earnestly.  
  
A grin split across Sirius' face. "We could be heroes, just because I will always love you!" He clasped Snape in his arms.  
  
Sirius finally got his kiss, and the students got three months' worth of nightmares out of it all, too.  
  
So, in conclusion, SAVE THE HAMPSTERS!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: Well, my best friend and I were really bored, and really sick of completely sick stupid slash stories (say that three times fast), so we decided we would write the best one ever, so people would know they could never beat us. We figured they might stop trying. Siriusly, guys, no more slash, do you honestly think they are gonna be gay?!?!?!?! Flames welcome, we rather enjoy those... 


	2. If Sirius were really gay, he would have...

Disclaimer: Yeah, we still don't own Harry Potter. We thought maybe if we emailed J.K Rowling about buying it, we might work something out, but she didn't think $50 was enough. We would have paid cash... Oh, and we don't own Moulin Rouge, but we both have it on Special Edition DVD!!!!!  
  
So on with the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
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It was a Saturday night, and Severus was drinking himself into a stupor again. Ever since Sirius had fallen through that veil, it was happening ever more frequently. He stumbled onto the dungeon balcony, slipping and sliding on all the dirt. Severus suddenly slipped on a spot of mud and fell on to his back.  
  
"This seems to happen a lot," he thought before passing out.  
  
The mist began to clear as Severus regained consciousness. But, no, this wasn't the root-filled mud of the dungeon balcony. There were lots of clouds, and some bright vapor that Severus supposed must be sunlight.  
  
"Blast it," he thought, "bugger if they weren't right about Christianity, after all."  
  
"No, Severus, this isn't heaven," came an all-too familiar voice from behind him.  
  
He reeled around to find himself face-to-face with Sirius himself, looking very dashing in his black leather robes.  
  
"In fact, this isn't real at all," he continued, "except in your own mind, but why let that ruin a good thing?"  
  
The man had a point. "Sirius!" Severus exclaimed, "Darling, you have no idea how much I miss you! I'm up to five hamsters a week, but it doesn't do any good anymore!"  
  
"Who would have thought that Severus Snape, the black-hearted hamster- violator, would ever love?" mused Sirius.  
  
Snape nodded, then began to softly croon, "Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before."  
  
"I didn't know you had seen the sky before. You don't go out much."  
  
Snape ignored this. "Want to vanish inside your kiss, everyday I love you more and more."  
  
"How inconvenient that must be, now that I'm dead."  
  
"Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything!"  
  
"Good, I want an EZBake Oven! You're so sweet," Sirius grinned in a roguish way, as all the fangirls on earth collectively swooned.  
  
"Seasons may change winter to spring, but I love you until the end of time. Come what may! Come what may! I will love you until my dying day!"  
  
Severus fell silent and looked expectantly at Sirius. "Oh damn," Sirius thought, "I suppose I've got to sing to him now..."  
  
"Um," Sirius started shakily, "Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place."  
  
Snape nodded eagerly, willing Sirius to continue.  
  
"Suddenly it moves with such perfect grace," he continued, with a pointed lack of emotion. Honestly, he was a little upset about Severus's "until my dying day" comment. It seemed a little insensitive, all things considered. Besides, Sirius had been having an affair with Lupin for about a month before his death, and had actually been about to compose a "Dear John" letter to Snape on the day of his death.  
  
"Suddenly my life doesn't seem like such a waste," Sirius sang, forgetting about his untimely demise for a moment, "It all revolves around you."  
  
Snape's voice rejoined Sirius as they sang in perfect unison, "And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide! Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side!"  
  
"Um, in spirit," Sirius added.  
  
"Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide..."  
  
"...But I love you," Snape sang.  
  
"I love you," Echoed Sirius reluctantly, his fingers crossed behind his back.  
  
"Until the end of time."  
  
The mist began pouring back into Snape's line of vision, obscuring Sirius and all around him.  
  
"Oh, right," Sirius said brightly, "I guess you're waking up now. Cheerio, then!"  
  
Snape's eyes opened suddenly, taking in the dirt and roots that had fallen on him. "More absinthe," he croaked, stumbling towards a large crate labeled 'Hamsters'.  
  
A/N: We had to reconcile this story with Sirius's death. Sorry if you were disturbed by the contents herein. Well, no, we're not. Flames welcome. Rawr. Oh, and we would never condone bestiality, but go with what works, we guess. 


	3. Name Callingyeah buddy!

Disclaimer: No, you know what? I do own Harry Potter. So there! No, ok, you're right, I'm a liar. It all belongs to JK Rowling.  
  
Remus sighed nervously as he approached the staff room. This was his chance, his moment. By the end of the night, he was either going to make two people very happy, or make one person exceedingly embarrassed and the other quite horrified.  
  
He knocked on the door. At first there was no answer, but Remus knew he was in there. He had already checked his office, his classroom, the library, and the Recreational Hamster Room. Not that he was a stalker or anything.  
  
"What?" came a gruff voice from inside.  
  
"Severus," Remus called sweetly through the door, "Can I come in?"  
  
"Do whatever you bloody well want; I don't care."  
  
Remus took this as a sincere request for his company.  
  
"Look, Severus," he said as he entered and took a seat opposite the fire, "I know that Sirius's passing affected you greatly..."  
  
"What do you know about it, Lupin? Oh wait, he was your lover, too... Well, he was mine first, so thpppbbbpp!" Severus stuck his tongue out in Remus's general direction.  
  
"Come on, Severus, unity is the key in tragic times. Two minds such as ours should be joined together in brotherhood!"  
  
"Perhaps so, but you are a namby-pamby Sirius stealer!" Severus said moodily, sinking further into his book, Potions and Pornography: A Detailed Study.  
  
"This is true," Remus conceded, "but I would prefer someone more...alive...right now."  
  
"Who? No wait, I don't care. Leave me alone! Go shag a goat!"  
  
"That doesn't work so well. Severus, I mean you!"  
  
Severus made a face and mumbled something about "cooties".  
  
"Severus, I have a gift for you."  
  
"A hamster? Uh, I mean, leave me alone! No, I really like gifts a lot, don't I?" Severus pondered this for a moment.  
  
"Yes, you do like gifts. Good boy!" Remus patted Severus encouragingly on the head, the burst out singing, "My gift is my song, and this one's for you!"  
  
Severus rolled his eyes. "Cheapskate," he murmured.  
  
"And you can tell everybody this is your song!"  
  
"Oooh big deal,"  
  
"It may be quite simple but now that it's done..."  
  
"See that?" Severus asked, "you tried to rhyme 'song' and 'done'! What is that?"  
  
"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind..."  
  
"Repeating yourself? How original."  
  
Remus ignored this. "That I put down in words how wonderful life is, now you're in the world!"  
  
"I've known you for thirty years. This isn't a new thing."  
  
Remus opened his mouth to continue, but Severus held up a hand. "Please, Lupin, before you start verses, let me state that I have no desire to take up with you. Also, if the desire had ever existed, it has now been crushed by your monotonous singing and pained, jerky body motions. Before you embarrass either of us further, I am now going to retire to my private chambers."  
  
With this, he swept out of the room.  
  
"Oh, ok," Remus shrugged, before opening the door and yelling "Call me!" after him.  
  
A/N: Yay! We are starting to enjoy writing these chapters way too much...maybe slash isn't so bad. Hehehehe. I mean, um, ewcootiesfags!one1!! 


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